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gift buying- - and- lovers-and- - and- whatever- else- you- identify- as, You know, I'm always amused by those people who, when asked, 'What do you want for Christmas?' smugly reply, "All I want is World ." THAT is total bullsh**. First of all, world will never happen. I mean seriously, you got nutters like -un executing his own uncle (Don't' get me wrong, I know every family has a crazy uncle, mine was narcoleptic. We used to take bets on if he would fall asleep with his face in the or the sauce) and Toronto mayor smoking (ahhhh, the good days, when all you had to worry about were blue dresses and Twitter nudie ). World would be nice, but it's as likely to happen as it is for Miley Cyrus to stop twerking. We all know what people really want, MONEY. POWER. MORE MONEY. MORE POWER. But, since most of us are solidly middle class, and lack both 's money and prodigious comb over (by the way, don't you think he looks like an Oompa Loompa, all orange and shit?) we have to settle for other, lesser things. Here is a list of things MOST (I don't claim to speak for all) women like and don't like as gifts; DON'T LIKE Vacuum cleaners. Yes, it's true, there are men who actually think this is the kind of gift you give to the woman you profess to love. I was married to one. Actually the year he gave me a vacuum was a step up from the previous year's gift, which was a crockpot. He was the soul of romance that man. No worries, the next year I gave myself the best gift of all, a divorce!! :) Anyway, if you ever want to get laid again, you will refrain from purchasing such things for the holidays. Lingerie. Gentlemen, those things the 's Secret "Angels" wear, you known the little scraps of fabric that turn you all into panting 15 year olds? Yeah, those things. They're uncomfortable. They itch. Unless you have perfect 34C one of their bras will not contain our, ahem, assets. There is nothing appealing about sitting in a meeting trying to concentrate on a power point presentation when all you want to do is tear of your and scratch like you have Kruger claws. And don't even get me started on thongs. ANNOYING! Real women, well, we like flannel jammies and long nightshirts. We want to be comfortable and warm and soft. Not bound up like some sort of sexy . You buy lingerie for YOU, not for us. Clothes. Don't. Even. Attempt. This. Purchase. You will never get this right. Ever. Oh, we'll lie and tell you that we love it, but we don't mean it. Trust me, the last time you will ever see that ugly ass sweater with the sequins will be that day. We are going to return that the second the return lines diminish. We'll probably exchange it for a pair of flannel jammies anyway. Cut out the middle man. Purses. Again, you'll never in a million years get this one right either. Unless the word COACH is attached to it, then you're definitely gonna get lucky!! Oh yeah ! Woo! Woo! LIKE Gift cards for massages. OH MY GOD we love this. Yes, I know you THINK you give a great massage, but we both know, " , let me give you a massage" really means " , I want to have sex." A massage is not a 3 minute foot rub and then a request for a blowjob. NO. A massage involves a professional. music. Nobody trying to slip a finger in here or there and claiming "oops, the oil makes my hands slippery"(my darlings, we know ALL your tricks). Jewelry. You already know this. I don't really have to tell you this, do I? We like shiny, sparkly things that our female friends will look at it and be jealous of. Yes, its superficial and immature, but whatever. That's what we do. We also your babies and go through hours upon hours of labor, when you can do THAT, then you can stop buying us jewelry. By the way, I wear a size 7 ring in case you were wondering. :) Chocolate. Yes, we say "Don't buy us ." We don't really mean it. We need chocolate. It consoles us when you guys do something stupid like buy us vacuum cleaners. There is a certain week of the month that the only thing between homicide and sanity is chocolate, do you really want to play with your fate and not provide emergency protection measures. That's what chocolate is, an EPM. This is just the tip of the iceberg (and if you happen to buy a diamond the size of an iceberg, you , are a man, among men), but I don't want to overwhelm ya'll. Now I think I'll go write Santa a letter and see if he can bring me exactly what I want. I'm torn between jewelry(of course) or finding someone to have a rollicking good affair with. Each has its pros and cons....lol Christmas gents!
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