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It's 4:30 a.m. and I woke again. By definition it is a night I think. I fell asleep so quickly tonight, I was suppose to go on a long hike today with my dad, was in a bad mood so he smartly cancelled. As I approached the trail head for the mountain I was climbing (6 maybe 7 miles away), I saw the river we shared, not the actual one but one that looked just like Trinity. I had been lost as I drove, that day. As I tried to find out how to get to my destination my head was full of the thought... remember that sustainable living program I wanted to make? When we first met I would still allow my self to dream about it. Only I wanted to use the Island and some other properties that where in front of me in cali. Well while lost driving I was running numbers in my head based off a cabin I am looking into buying and it hit me... LIKE A TON OF BRICKS! So simplistic it was... it has been right infront of me this whole time. Part of why I pulled over at the river was to do as I should of done every extra moment I had with you and jewels. I should of (regret not doing more) take the time to say forget the world this is now my private bubble to enjoy, time stopped and all I had was a , book and my thoughts to enjoy spilling out of me (with hands that could write, thank you Dr. Sarah... first time in years I could do that with out tremors so bad I couldn't even sign my name) they just flowed... like the river my feet were in. The clouds of the Pacific north west and the drizzle even stopped and turned to sun as if just for me. I emptied my brain and the dots made sense and the numbers worked, I could see the idea much cooler then I had ever seen it before but the crazy part is this time it actually could work!! All I could think of is how you would have smiled and been impressed. You always seemed to understand my scribbles or atleast you were excellent at pretending. You never crushed my dreams, you always listened. You supported my thoughts even though every one else thought I was just crazy. After I was done and my mind was empty, it quickly filled of thoughts of you again, jewels getting her fishing lure stuck, me wanting to fix it for her but doing my best to tell her how to fix it her self so she would learn not how to fish with me but how to fish for her self. I found a weird shaped rock in the river that I could stretch and do yoga on. My night that woke me was kind of the opposite. The night was that I woke up and you where gone again. I dremped of us watching fish, talking about how cute it was that she couldn't cast but tried so hard. You were next to me, she in front... I could feel your presents as I could watch her struggle to learn and grow as a woman. It was what really mattered and I only recently figured out. She didn't catch a fish but I could see how hard she tried, not for her but to impress us. I was in . then some how I woke up, that's the part that became the night . Back to this hell I created from being crazy, now I feel crazier then ever because you are not here. I wish I never woke up tonight... I wish I sat with you to for ever next to that river in the sun. I love you White... I love your incredible daughter. I hope you stumble upon this post, if not I'm sure I will write another one soon. Hope n Faith Love
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