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I love humanity. I just hate people.
I don't do long walks on the beach. I don't do long walks at all. A short walk to the fridge is about it.
If you want bigger boobs, try rubbing toilet paper on them. It worked on your ass quite well.
Yes, sweetie, you're the best at everything. And I'm a compulsive liar.
I have an STD and Alzheimer's. But at least I don't have an STD.
I quit smoking. No, the food doesn't taste any better now. Probably cuz I'm still married to the same lousy cook.
What do you do after you have sex? I usually go home.
I can't figure out why women aren't beating a path to my door after reading this. These are merely the random deep contemplative thoughts of an insane, deranged, typical male that you are just dying to meet. You can even bring me home to meet your mom, if she's a cougar. What's the problem?
People suck. The ones that don't, eventually will.
Even if you don't swallow, just say you do. It works.
Ever notice how the same people who are so vehemently against racism are also the ones who put their house up for sale when the neighborhood "changes"?
Why are there 25 windows at the MVA, but only 3 people working? And 2 of them are at lunch.
Allowing everyone to carry a gun would be kinda extreme. But how about a baseball bat? I can think of many, many folks who really need a good smack with one just to get them back on the right track. Like everyone involved in "customer service", for example.
I prefer sex by myself. It's less messy and there's none of that cuddling or talking BS.
The only redeeming factor about politicians is...um...nevermind. There are none.
Is it really necessary for a woman to still be there in the morning? Ugh.
Men are pervs. All of them, including me.
The 2 biggest lies in Poland: The check is in my mouth, and I won't cum in your mail.
I really do love women. Especially the ones my wife doesn't know about.
Any man who denies thinking about screwing other women, even if he's your loving husband, is a liar. He thinks about it constantly. He mentally undresses every woman or girl he sees. Whether she's 15 or 65, he thinks about it.
Why don't women admit to having taboo fantasies? You know damn well you want that hot looking teenaged boy at the pool. Just admit it already.
Women shave themselves down there because their men have them convinced it's hot. The real reason is that it makes you look like you're 12 years old. It's just a sneaky way of fulfilling their pervo fantasies without getting arrested for it. I'm not complaining. It IS hot.
The following people should be shipped to Antarctica: Politicians, drunk drivers, rapists, child abusers, animal abusers, telemarketers, and the person who invented the voice response system. And the guy who puts those damn stickers on the fruit and veggies.
Can I just get a goddamned cup of coffee? No fancy shit, no flavors, no half this and half that. Just a coffee.
Are there any Dunkin Donuts or 7-11 that are NOT run by Achmed and the camel jockeys?
I believe in discrimination. I would like to see those signs again, the ones that say "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone".
Why can't I refuse to sell my house to someone? Is it my house or isn't it?
If minorities want the job, they can have it, as long as they are better qualified than the person I want to fill it.
I don't do sports. If all the Orioles and Ravens died today I'd still sleep well.
Liberals are really conservatives who haven't had the pleasure of being mugged yet.
Women should not burp or fart in public. Or in my presence, either.
Women who do the piercings tattoo thing are just nasty. You may think it's cool now. Wait until you're 60.
Don't bring your kids to a restaurant or movie theater if they can't sit still and be quiet.
If you don't want me to bang the babysitter, hire an old one, not a young cutie-pie.
Please keep your head from blocking the TV when you're giving me a BJ.
I used to work in retail. Then I went back to school and finished 6th grade. So now, I'm a manager.
Do not, under any circumstances, discuss your feminine products or hygiene with me or around me.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell my wife you replied to this posting.
When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.
People who whine about their issues really irk me. I'll give you 10 minutes to get over it. Then I'm done with you. It's not that I'm not caring and compassionate. No wait. It is cuz of that.
I believe in soul mates. I've had 3 of them so far.
If you're still reading this, you really need help.
If you don't want men ogling your boobs and your ass, don't wear clothing that emphasizes them. If your cleavage is showing, I have the right to bury my face in it.
I think most sexual desires and fantasies are better off left to the imagination. Reality is never as hot. So buy lots of Kleenex and knock yourself out.
Why do fat black women with those nasty stretch marks and dried deodorant in their pits insist on showing it to everyone, and have the nerve to say "You know I looks good", 'n shit?
My house was foreclosed on. And it didn't bother me 1 bit. I declared bankruptcy 10 years prior to that, and that didn't bother me either. I was able to buy a house and have it foreclosed on so easily.
Women who "molest" young boys should be forced to come to my place, for an extended stay.
Not everyone wants to cuddle after sex. Some of us want to clean up and go home to our spouses' lousy cooking.
Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
If you say hi to me, I assume it means you want me.
The stimulus check did not stimulate me. The porn videos I bought with it did, however.
Divorce should be free, and easy. Imagine how many lives it would save. I vote for online divorces. Fill in the info, and click here. Use PayPal for it.
I don't understand why women get upset when their husbands or boyfriends chat up other women online. I wish my wife did it...with other women that is.
I was a member of the Girl Scouts. I was kicked out because I was eating the Brownies.
I'm really trying to see things from your point of view, sweetie. I am just having some difficulty getting my head that far up my ass.

If you reply to this post, you're really sick twisted. Sorta like me.